Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
