Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
