i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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