You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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