Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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