i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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