Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
