Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
