she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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