So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
