Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
