Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
