omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
