I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
