Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
