i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
