I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
