My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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