he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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