how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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