I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
