if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
