that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize