He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
