My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
