the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
