I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
