Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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