Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
