you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
