Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
