Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im holly from the hills drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
