Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
