As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
