i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
