I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
