So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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