There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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