I want to stick my p in your. b.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
