i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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