I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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