I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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