Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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