I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
