Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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