dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
