she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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