your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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