i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
