Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
