The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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