Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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