What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
