Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Barsexuality is the new black.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she told me i tasted like america
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
