i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
