I'm sorry my penis didn't work
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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