I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
