Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
