i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
