How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
